Surprise!!!

I would like to start out by saying that I have an amazing and wonderful husband. Not just because of the things he does for me, which are a huge plus, but because of who he is. I am so proud to be his wife!

Now, on to my story. As many, many, many if you know, this year my birthday is kind of a big deal for me. I am turning 30, that in and of itself is a big deal but my birthday this year is 10/10/10. How cool is it to have each number be the same and it adds up to your age?? So naturally I wanted a big party... I have been telling Chris that for a while now. Well last Saturday I got it! Here's how it went...

A few weeks ago my my Sami and I decided it had been way too long since we had made plans for a Sami/Mel day. We consulted our calendars and agreed on a date. Sami wanted to see 'You, Again' so we decided to eat lunch, go see the movie and stop by and look at her house which is almost finished. Oh and we also did a little shopping. :-) She asked if I was going to watch the OU game and I said yes and did she want to stay and we could order pizza? Well she said yes and so I called Chris and let him know of our plans. No big deal. Well we get to my house and there are a ton of cars down the street! I mentioned to Sami that someone must be having a party. I figured it was our next door neighbors as they have teenage girls. When we get to the door Sami opens it, which I think is a little weird seeing as though Chris ALWAYS keeps the door locked. I didn't think too hard on it because I had talked to him earlier to let him know we were on our way home. I just thought he had unlocked it for us. As I am walking into the house I see my friend Joshua right inside the door... I am thinking what is he doing here? I assumed maybe Chris has invited people over to watch the OU game. Then I see tons of others and it's still not clicking together until I finally see the Happy Birthday banners! I get several shouts of surprise and I am floored! I see my parents, my aunt, uncle and Lindsey, his parents are here from Plano and tons of our friends from church and a few from college and elsewhere. I am sure I looked so dumb because I am just staring at everyone. My husband had been planning this for at least a month! I wasn't expecting a surprise party but especially not one two weeks before my birthday! It was a fabulous day and my best friend Amy brought me the cake which I loved! The high heel was a perfect cake topper for me!

Thank you friends and family for showing me your love, kindness and friendship over the years. I am super blessed to have so many people who care for me, for us and we are ever grateful for you!! Thanks for making my birthday, hands-down, the best yet! Which is pretty impressive since I haven't had it yet! You are the best!

Chris, I love you too much for words to express, thank you for loving me and doing something so amazing for me. You totally got me!

Worst, best dream and other miscellaneous

This morning I woke up from the worst best dream... I know that sounds crazy but it was the best dream because in it I gave birth to a beautiful, happy, healthy baby girl. I had given birth without a doctor because she came so fast. It was glorious! My heart was so happy! The worst of it was that I had to wake up. Oh for dreams to come true! Part of me wishes that God was showing me what will happen, that is, I WILL get my hearts desire... The other half of me just thinks that because I am so aware of my desire that it is natural to dream about it. It was so hard to get out of bed after that dream. I wanted to go back to sleep and continue my dream. Unfortunately, that doesn't happen. I think what make it harder is that I found out I have a cyst about 20 mm big and anything over 14, they tell you to take a break. Dr. K gave me a pack of birth control to try and help shrink it. I go in a few weeks from now to see if it has shrunk. If it has I am back on clomid, if it hasn't who knows what the next step is... More bc? It feels like for every step we take forward to solve our fertility problems makes it worse. We are trying very hard to trust God and His timing... Too often though I try to take it back in my hands. I have also been talking to Chris about adoption. We are not sure if we are ready to give up on trying to get and stay pregnant yet. It's a blurry, frustrating line which is different for everyone. Please pray for our family and for God's will to be done and a peace for us as we try to follow him.
Besides the normal fertility issues we are excited to be starting a community group out of our Sunday school class. Tomorrow is our first night and I am looking forward to the group getting to know each other. Hopefully this will be a great chance to build deeper relationships and grow in our walk with Christ.

We are getting ready for several fun things in the next couple months, a few of them are the Blue Man group, a close friend's wedding in NYC, Chris being the BM in his buddy Dan's wedding and our annual Costume Party! My goal is to become better at blogging starting now, for the few that follow, thanks for dropping by, reading and leaving us a quick note!

And it is over...

I can't believe it's already here... the end of summer.  Tomorrow is my last day of summer break and then Monday it's back to work.  Chris gives me a hard time since he works all year round.  Definitely no sympathy from him!  I haven't updated all summer... What a slacker!  I was really holding out hope that we would have a new laptop, which runs faster, so I would feel more apt to update. No such luck.  So here I am typing on our old computer.

Our summer has been a great time for Chris and I. It had a few low points but really we can't complain.  I was able to travel with Chris twice this summer.  Once to Reno, NV where we got to spend some time up around Lake Tahoe, it was beautiful weather! I must say, when I packed, I had packed for Oklahoma weather.  It got quite chilly up in the mountains and I didn't bring ONE pair of jeans.  BRR!!!  This trip was also a difficult one as Caleb's due date came during the trip.  I miss my little man. We find happiness in knowing that he is being loved by many in Heaven. 

Our next trip was to Puerto Rico!  We just got back on Friday and we had a good time.  Chris had to work long days during the trip but we finally got to go to the beach for a bit our last full day there.  Next time more beach and less rain please:) 

A few other festivities of the summer included my mom and I going to Kansas City to see my sister-in-law graduate with her Masters in Bio Ethics and then help her and my brother move back to Tulsa. We drove up to Tulsa today to see Holly (SIL) get her white coat. She starts med school Monday.  We are so proud of her and extremely glad they are much closer to us again.

I am looking forward to what this school year has to bring.  A few things will be: an integration of two schools and staff, new ideas, positive thinking and soul searching.  Oh, and most importantly... FALL! I am so tired of the ridiculous heat! 

Done for now...

Melissa

9 More Days and Tornado

As of this evening I have only 9 days left of school with the children! 1o if you count record day. I am so ready for summer to start. We have a few graduations to attend. My SIL Laura is graduating May 22 from med school and Chris and I along with my parents are driving down to watch her graduate and celebrate her HUGE accomplishment. We are so proud of her!! The other graduation we have is my other SIL, Ev's wife, Holly. She is graduating from KCUMB with her Master's in bio-ethics. We are extremely proud of her and all her hard work! She has been accepted to both OSU-Tulsa and KCUMB's med school. We are not sure yet where they will choose but we are crossing our fingers for Tulsa so they would be closer and we could see them more often. We miss them.

Our other summer plans include going to Lake Tahoe. Chris has to go to Reno for a site visit and so he suggested going up over a weekend, spending it at Lake Tahoe and then go on to Reno for the site visit. I am excited as I haven't been to Lake Tahoe before. I, Melissa, will be going with the high school to Colorado this summer for a hiking, repelling, white-water rafting trip. We were supposed to go on a missions trip to Mexico but because of everything going on down there, they didn't think it would be safe for the students. I really enjoy getting to go and do these things with the youth. It allows for a great bonding time and you get to know your kids so much better.

Changing subjects, we got to see both sets of parents for Mother's Day. Chris's parents drove up Saturday and we met them in Stillwater to see Chris's cousin, Megan, graduate from OSU. I can't believe she is already graduating. It was nice getting to spend time with his family and celebrate Mother's day with them.

Speaking of Mother's Day... It was harder than I imagined this year. I really didn't think that I would be affected by it but several sweet people sent me such precious messages that my heart was filled and being the emotional person I am, it got me weepy. Chris got me a really sweet card and flowers. I love him!

On a healthy note, I have started running again. I have run two 5K's in the past two months and I am running another one this coming Saturday. This is something that I am doing that is helping me feel better and get in shape. Last week I clocked in 13 miles. Yeah!!! Just wanted to share my joy. Celebrate the small stuff!

The big news today was the tornado. I was in Yukon getting some dental work done and when I got to the office at 4:10 the news was saying the bad weather was about an hour away. This would have left us plenty of time to get my stuff done and be gone... about 20 minutes later someone came and told Dr. R. that the storm was 5 to 10 minutes away and that we needed to leave soon. Luckily, my work was pretty much done so I hopped in my car and was driving home. I took N.W. 10th to Mustang road and went north on Mustang to get home. When I pulled into the garage Chris met me at the door and told me to get inside. This is when I heard that the tornado had touched down close to where I had just been minutes before. As they were describing it's location on the news I looked out my window to see the tornado. I am posting a pic of it so you can see it. We went out on the porch and watched it. I looked up to see clouds churning above us so we hastily retreated back inside. Oh the joys of Oklahoma living.

I hope tomorrow is good weather as we are having our career day and last year it rained. It made for a crazy day. Here's to hoping for fantastic weather and for everyone to show. If you think of it, say a little prayer for me.

Hope you all have a safe and pleasant night!

It's Been Too Long

So, I am finally updating my blogger peeps on the last several weeks. I started back to work after Spring Break. It has been good to be back at work but the extended work day has taken it's toll. You get used to having a certain amount of time after work to get things done, now I feel like there isn't enough time to get everything done. I have started counting down the weeks. We have 24 school days left. Can't wait for summer!!

Chris and I traveled to Plano to celebrate Easter with his family. Easter was exactly two months since we lost Caleb. It was a difficult day as that was the first time we had seen several of his extended family and they were so sweet and asked about how we were doing. It was an emotional day.

We had another loss in our family, our first dog Mattie, passed away suddenly from unknown causes the week of Spring Break. It was another tough blow, especially for Chris as Mattie was his first dog. We miss her and are still waiting on her autopsy results. We are looking at adding to our furry family during summer so I can watch the puppy.

On an infertile note, I tracked my temperature this month and used an OPK. Found out I didn't ovulate this month so it looks like I will be back on clomid as soon as I start my next cycle. I am attending an amazing support group with people whom I can relate to and really talk about the good, the bad and the ugly. It has been such a blessing. I know that one day, some way, I will get to be a mommy. I also think about my two children who are watching me from heaven. This past Saturday would have been Baby T's one year birthday. I struggle so much with God's timing and the way life works sometimes. I have a friend who went through another round of infertility treatments, she was supposed to find out today whether the transfer worked. I was praying so hard that she would have GOOD NEWS! I got the news that she got a BFN. My heart is breaking for her. She has such a Godly outlook and trust in Him... I hope to be more like her. A song that I heard lately that has really spoken to me is by christian artist Matt Papa, "Open Hands" it has really just reminded me that I have to give God what I am holding in my hands and surrender all that I am to Him.

I am hoping to update more, we just don't have a good computer to use... Hopefully we can agree on a laptop soon.

Update

So last Thursday I had my one month follow-up after losing Caleb. Dr. K had already received the genetic test results back and Caleb was fine. There was nothing wrong with my sweet baby boy. Dr. K said it was just a fluke. On one hand this was comforting news because that means there isn't anything wrong with Chris or I. On the other hand, it is upsetting because that means Caleb shouldn't have had to die... I should still be pregnant and looking forward to my due date. I think that is one of the hardest things about pregnancy loss, there often are no answers to our "why?" questions. Now not to say that even having an answer would make things easier, but that is what my mind wants to say sometimes.

Dr. K and I talked about getting back on Clomid as I would probably still have progesterone issues. He said we can be aggressive about it and start it as soon as I start my cycle. He offered some good advice. He said, " When dealing with loss, you must try and look to the future and not in the past." While I NEVER want to forget Caleb, I do see that it is important to look forward and not get caught up with the"what ifs?" I have been attending a support group for miscarriage and infant loss. It has been so beneficial to be around others who can understand my grief and allow my tears to flow when I need to and we lean on each other. I have been so blessed to have such supportive people who love and listen. I am grateful for another outlet to which I can share my feelings.

I know that life will get easier, God will provide and I know that God will pass on any love to Caleb from me. I am hopeful for the day when I will have a living child that I can hold and watch grow. For now I have two children in heaven and I will never forget them.

Our life experiences help stretch, mold and grow us. I know that I will be a stronger person because of this, my marriage is stronger, and when I do have a child I will truly appreciate the miracle of life.

Those are the thoughts for now...

The Last Few Weeks...

Wow... where to begin... After our awful news we posted about we were supposed to have another ultrasound at Dr. K's office Wednesday. We went in and before we got started I wanted to update my doc or nurse's about what Dr. M had told us. They sent us back to talk to N, a nurse, I told her what they had told us Tuesday and she said they usually received a call from Dr. M's office when they get such bad news. They put us in a room and went to call Dr. M's office. A little while later Dr. K came in and asked us to come to his office. (I hate his office because it means bad news...) Dr K. told us that from what Dr. M had told him, it was pretty much guaranteed Caleb wouldn't make it. He said when a baby is balled up like that with very little fluid, Caleb would be a miracle baby if he made it. He then proceeded to tell us how he would handle delivering Caleb after he was gone... It was the worst news of my life... After all we had been through and Caleb had held on only to be told it wasn't enough.

Chris was really hit hard by it because up until that point, Dr. K hadn't seemed as worried as Dr. M. It was hard news for sure, it was even more difficult as Chris had to leave soon after our appointment. He was going to be gone until Friday afternoon. I was really upset so I had a friend, Sami, come stay with me, she was great. That night I started cramping off and on, this wasn't too different as I had been cramping since I started bleeding at 11 wks. Needless to say I didn't sleep well. Sami got up to get ready for work and I told her about my night, I ended up calling Dr K. and they suggested I come in. Sami took me to see him and my mom met us there. Mom and dad had a family funeral to attend that day and she wanted to make sure that things were ok before she left. Dr K. did an u/s and Caleb still had a heartbeat so he sent me home with instructions that if it got worse to call back. My mom took me home and left with my dad for Ada where the funeral was.

I started feeling better and was relaxing. I had a friend from Sunday school, Sarah and her little girl, Hannah, visit me and bring flowers and some books to read. Right about the time they were leaving I started cramping again. This time it was more painful so I took two extra strength Tylenol and got in a warm bath to try and help. Nothing seemed to make it better, I started timing my pain and I was cramping about every 3 mins and my pain lasted around a min each time. I called Dr. K and they called in some pain medicine for me, they said it if it got worse that I needed to go in to the Labor and Delivery unit.

I called Sami and asked if she could pick up my pain med. By the time she got to the house I was in so much pain Sami suggested that we just go to the hospital. I was in so much pain I agreed, the drive was awful, Sami was amazing getting me in and up to the 4th floor. It took a while for them to get us a room and to get me into the system. Finally they gave me a shot to help with the pain. It didn't do much for the pain, but it did however make me woozy. Another friend Amanda came to help and be with me. I called Chris and my parents. Chris couldn't be reached because he was up on a mountain with shoddy reception, so we left a message. Dr. K wasn't going to see me until the following morning and they were just going to monitor me over night.

The device they strapped to my stomach wasn't showing any contractions, and they didn't want to check me internally for fear of disrupting my placenta while Caleb was still alive. My mom finally arrived, my dad dropped her off, and she was there for a while when I felt a gush. I told my mom I though I was bleeding and she checked and I had. Then I felt pressure like something was ready to come out. I told her that we needed to call the nurse. The nurse came and said she couldn't check me because of my placenta, and she went to call Dr. K to see what to do next.

She came back and he had told her to check me so she checked me, oh the pain, as soon as she pushed in more blood came gushing out and she leaned in and said, "sweetheart, that is your baby, and you know he won't make it right?" I said yes and she left again to let Dr. K know. The rest of it is pretty blurry, I was still in so much pain and at some point Dr. K arrived. I was supposed to get an epidural, but Dr K. beat the needle so they just gave me something in my IV. Sometime between 7:45 and 8 my precious baby Caleb came in to the world. I am told he was stillborn. I was allowed to hold him and look at him, he was tiny, one of my first thoughts was he looked like his daddy. I missed Chris SO badly. It hurt my heart that Chris had to be all alone when he heard the news. I also needed my husband.

Sami stayed with me that night and Amanda came the next morning to keep me company. Chris was able to catch an earlier flight Friday so he made it to the hospital late morning, and we got to spend some time together with Caleb. It was hard because Caleb already looked different. It was a sad time. We had many people visit us and send us plants or flowers, and we are so appreciative of you. I have not talked to many people because talking on the phone or about what has happened is draining, so I want you to know that we DO appreciate all your prayers, even if we haven't acknowledged them.

I was discharged Saturday from the hospital. I had the woman who wheeled me out look for my baby and tell me my baby wasn't there yet, and I had to remind her there was no baby... That was nice... People make mistakes but what a awful time for one. A week later we had Caleb's funeral with family and some friends. It was SOOOOO incredibly hard to see Caleb's little casket and know that there are so many things that we will never get to do with our son.

The ceremony was led by our Sunday school pastor Jeff, it was a step toward healing. It will be a long journey, but we are blessed by a long list of family and friends who have us cloaked in prayer and support. I appreciate all my co-workers who have sent us kind words. I am blessed by you and appreciate you. I will leave you with two pictures... one of our little Caleb and one from the funeral... God bless you...

Doctor Appoinment and disappointment

Today we had our follow up appointment with the high-risk specialist. It's been a week since I have seen any of my doctors and I was worried, because I am a worrier, that things might not be alright. I worry, "What if Caleb's heart stopped beating?" and" I haven't felt him move, oh no, what's wrong?"

Well we went in to the appointment and my mom and dad were able to come. I wanted to include them as they never got to experience ultrasounds. I wanted to share that with them. Well we get there and they do the ultrasound, his heart is still beating, but they can't get good angles on a lot of things because he is all balled up... Our lady gets done with the ultrasound and then we wait for our doctor to come in. (At this point I am feeling a little more relieved.. his heartbeat is good, and he is growing. Phew!)

When the doctor came in he began looking over things too and checking stuff. He said there was still some blood in Caleb's bowels which is still most likely due to my bleeding. I asked about the amniotic fluid and there is where the conversation went downhill quickly. My amniotic fluid is very low, this is one reason why Caleb is balled up, he can't move and stretch and there isn't much room. This also means that he could develop problems with his lungs and limbs and the fluid allows the baby to develop and work their muscles and lungs. The doctor said that in cases he has seen like this, one day the baby's heartbeat could be gone, or I could make it to where Caleb could be delivered further along in the pregnacy but still an early delivery. Most likely after 24 weeks, if my fluid is still low we would look into hospital stays, steriods for the baby's lungs and other options. We could possibly be looking at an early delivery, if Caleb makes it that far, as early 25 weeks depending on how Caleb is doing. He said right now Caleb is getting everything he needs from me but they don't know all the lasting effects that Caleb could have to deal with if he survives.

We are just reeling right now as this is the bleakest information we have received so far. We are completely relying on God to help us through this. We appreciate all your prayers and support. Thank you for being with us during this time. We love and appreciate you.

Melissa and Chris

Big news!!!!

We are having a baby boy on June 21, 2010!!! To some of you, this will come as a complete shock, to others, thanks for ur prayers! I would not have gotten through these past few weeks with God and those dear to me! We are so excited that we will finally be adding to our family after a year and a half of trying. God has taught me so much these past few years. Most important is that I am not in control... Crazy right? I thought I made plans and figured out my life... Yeah right! I am constantly having to rely on God for protection and support. While we are pregnant this has not been an easy journey, at 11 weeks I started spotting... I panicked, I thought, "this baby too Lord?" well He has been faithful to protect our little one but I am still bleeding. It's gotten worse as the weeks have passed but my doctors, yes, now I have more than one, seem confident that it will stop at some point. At this time here are a few things you can be praying for as we continue on our journey, I have been diagnosed as having marginal placenta previa, this is causing the bleeding and horrible cramping. The baby was checked today by a perinatal specialist and the found that the baby's bowels have some blood in it which is probably due to my bleeding as is the lower level of amniotic fluid. They are going to categorize me as high risk for the remainder of our pregnancy journey. Please pray for my continued faith in God and His promises, for Chris as he gets to deal with my anxiety, for baby Caleb,and for my ability to work (which right now is low).
We are so grateful that we have been supported and provided for. Hopefully things will start to smooth out and we can all enjoy the rest of this journey.
If you are reading this and have not have your prayer of pregnancy answered yet, know my heart goes out to you and I pray that your prayers are answered soon!

Love you,

Mommy T