Update

So last Thursday I had my one month follow-up after losing Caleb. Dr. K had already received the genetic test results back and Caleb was fine. There was nothing wrong with my sweet baby boy. Dr. K said it was just a fluke. On one hand this was comforting news because that means there isn't anything wrong with Chris or I. On the other hand, it is upsetting because that means Caleb shouldn't have had to die... I should still be pregnant and looking forward to my due date. I think that is one of the hardest things about pregnancy loss, there often are no answers to our "why?" questions. Now not to say that even having an answer would make things easier, but that is what my mind wants to say sometimes.

Dr. K and I talked about getting back on Clomid as I would probably still have progesterone issues. He said we can be aggressive about it and start it as soon as I start my cycle. He offered some good advice. He said, " When dealing with loss, you must try and look to the future and not in the past." While I NEVER want to forget Caleb, I do see that it is important to look forward and not get caught up with the"what ifs?" I have been attending a support group for miscarriage and infant loss. It has been so beneficial to be around others who can understand my grief and allow my tears to flow when I need to and we lean on each other. I have been so blessed to have such supportive people who love and listen. I am grateful for another outlet to which I can share my feelings.

I know that life will get easier, God will provide and I know that God will pass on any love to Caleb from me. I am hopeful for the day when I will have a living child that I can hold and watch grow. For now I have two children in heaven and I will never forget them.

Our life experiences help stretch, mold and grow us. I know that I will be a stronger person because of this, my marriage is stronger, and when I do have a child I will truly appreciate the miracle of life.

Those are the thoughts for now...