The Last Few Weeks...

Wow... where to begin... After our awful news we posted about we were supposed to have another ultrasound at Dr. K's office Wednesday. We went in and before we got started I wanted to update my doc or nurse's about what Dr. M had told us. They sent us back to talk to N, a nurse, I told her what they had told us Tuesday and she said they usually received a call from Dr. M's office when they get such bad news. They put us in a room and went to call Dr. M's office. A little while later Dr. K came in and asked us to come to his office. (I hate his office because it means bad news...) Dr K. told us that from what Dr. M had told him, it was pretty much guaranteed Caleb wouldn't make it. He said when a baby is balled up like that with very little fluid, Caleb would be a miracle baby if he made it. He then proceeded to tell us how he would handle delivering Caleb after he was gone... It was the worst news of my life... After all we had been through and Caleb had held on only to be told it wasn't enough.

Chris was really hit hard by it because up until that point, Dr. K hadn't seemed as worried as Dr. M. It was hard news for sure, it was even more difficult as Chris had to leave soon after our appointment. He was going to be gone until Friday afternoon. I was really upset so I had a friend, Sami, come stay with me, she was great. That night I started cramping off and on, this wasn't too different as I had been cramping since I started bleeding at 11 wks. Needless to say I didn't sleep well. Sami got up to get ready for work and I told her about my night, I ended up calling Dr K. and they suggested I come in. Sami took me to see him and my mom met us there. Mom and dad had a family funeral to attend that day and she wanted to make sure that things were ok before she left. Dr K. did an u/s and Caleb still had a heartbeat so he sent me home with instructions that if it got worse to call back. My mom took me home and left with my dad for Ada where the funeral was.

I started feeling better and was relaxing. I had a friend from Sunday school, Sarah and her little girl, Hannah, visit me and bring flowers and some books to read. Right about the time they were leaving I started cramping again. This time it was more painful so I took two extra strength Tylenol and got in a warm bath to try and help. Nothing seemed to make it better, I started timing my pain and I was cramping about every 3 mins and my pain lasted around a min each time. I called Dr. K and they called in some pain medicine for me, they said it if it got worse that I needed to go in to the Labor and Delivery unit.

I called Sami and asked if she could pick up my pain med. By the time she got to the house I was in so much pain Sami suggested that we just go to the hospital. I was in so much pain I agreed, the drive was awful, Sami was amazing getting me in and up to the 4th floor. It took a while for them to get us a room and to get me into the system. Finally they gave me a shot to help with the pain. It didn't do much for the pain, but it did however make me woozy. Another friend Amanda came to help and be with me. I called Chris and my parents. Chris couldn't be reached because he was up on a mountain with shoddy reception, so we left a message. Dr. K wasn't going to see me until the following morning and they were just going to monitor me over night.

The device they strapped to my stomach wasn't showing any contractions, and they didn't want to check me internally for fear of disrupting my placenta while Caleb was still alive. My mom finally arrived, my dad dropped her off, and she was there for a while when I felt a gush. I told my mom I though I was bleeding and she checked and I had. Then I felt pressure like something was ready to come out. I told her that we needed to call the nurse. The nurse came and said she couldn't check me because of my placenta, and she went to call Dr. K to see what to do next.

She came back and he had told her to check me so she checked me, oh the pain, as soon as she pushed in more blood came gushing out and she leaned in and said, "sweetheart, that is your baby, and you know he won't make it right?" I said yes and she left again to let Dr. K know. The rest of it is pretty blurry, I was still in so much pain and at some point Dr. K arrived. I was supposed to get an epidural, but Dr K. beat the needle so they just gave me something in my IV. Sometime between 7:45 and 8 my precious baby Caleb came in to the world. I am told he was stillborn. I was allowed to hold him and look at him, he was tiny, one of my first thoughts was he looked like his daddy. I missed Chris SO badly. It hurt my heart that Chris had to be all alone when he heard the news. I also needed my husband.

Sami stayed with me that night and Amanda came the next morning to keep me company. Chris was able to catch an earlier flight Friday so he made it to the hospital late morning, and we got to spend some time together with Caleb. It was hard because Caleb already looked different. It was a sad time. We had many people visit us and send us plants or flowers, and we are so appreciative of you. I have not talked to many people because talking on the phone or about what has happened is draining, so I want you to know that we DO appreciate all your prayers, even if we haven't acknowledged them.

I was discharged Saturday from the hospital. I had the woman who wheeled me out look for my baby and tell me my baby wasn't there yet, and I had to remind her there was no baby... That was nice... People make mistakes but what a awful time for one. A week later we had Caleb's funeral with family and some friends. It was SOOOOO incredibly hard to see Caleb's little casket and know that there are so many things that we will never get to do with our son.

The ceremony was led by our Sunday school pastor Jeff, it was a step toward healing. It will be a long journey, but we are blessed by a long list of family and friends who have us cloaked in prayer and support. I appreciate all my co-workers who have sent us kind words. I am blessed by you and appreciate you. I will leave you with two pictures... one of our little Caleb and one from the funeral... God bless you...