I have the right...

I was at a conference a few weeks ago and attended a session on grief. Now this is geared toward children and resiliency but it spoke to me as well. There is a website www.centerforloss.com that has grief rights... there were several that spoke to me as I continue to struggle with IF and the loss of baby Tribuzi a year ago... The two that really spoke to me is I have the right to talk about my grief whenever I feel like talking and I have the right to need other people to help me with my grief. Sometimes I feel like talk to much about what I am feeling and how sad I still am... I feel like people are going to not want to be around me because I talk about it. Needless to say I feel guilty a lot when I do talk to someone about my grief... Those grief rights remind me that it is ok to talk about it! Now it doesn't mean that everyone will listen or that people will say or do what I need them to but the point is I AM ALLOWED TO HURT...

It was a year and a week ago today that we went to our first OB/GYN appt to check on the baby and do an ultrasound and it was a year and a week ago today that we were told that the baby had stopped growing... This past year has been a difficult one there has been too much loss. My birthday is coming up and it too is bittersweet as 3 days before my birthday I had a D&C to remove my sweet baby. Maybe this is why emotions are running high for me right now... I don't know but I sometimes feel that if we are able to get pregnant it will talk away a lot of pain and resentment I feel. Realistically I don't know if that will ever happen. I was blessed with the gift of empathy, I feel deeply and am affected forever by the things, people and circumstances that happen in my life... So a viable pregnancy may or may not change my seasons of grief... Who knows? What I do know is that I need to rely more upon God for strength, I tend to think that I will do a better job than He of planning my life and being strong but when it all boils down, I am weak, selfish and narrowminded. My friend told me last night that God's timing is perfect, my faith tells me this is true but my flesh is screaming "Yeah right!"... I do know that whenever we finally have a baby either biologically or through adoption that child and those to follow it will be so loved! I just wish God would give me the greatest desire of my heart, a child. Maybe that is the problem, God isn't at the top of my list or maybe I just have a screwed up system that needs some serious fine tuning.

All I know is that I am tired of suffering alone... my hope is that I can bond with others who are or have dealt with what I am and can provide support and comfort if to do nothing else than lend an ear.

Do not worry though, my writing will not always be so glum, but you know what? We are allowed to have our bad days, our days when we feel like nothing is going right and the whole world is out to get us. We are also allowed days of hope and joy and fresh outlooks. My God has blessed me with an amazing husband, loving family and fantastic friends. I know that even through my down days I am thankful for the love and support that everyone has given me this past year. I KNOW that I would not have made it without you.

I pray that if you don't have a support system that God places in your path someone who will love and listen to you, cry and laugh, tell you when you are being stupid and support you no matter what choices you make.

Just remember I have a right, so do you.

Love you!